Friday, August 14, 2015

Paleo AIP Day #40 - Reintroduction of Grass Fed Butter and a Confession or Two

Friday August 14th, 2015

Howdy y'all, I have a confession to make: I already reintroduced the ghee. Yes, I nearly doubled up on the wine (lost my mind there!) but had no reaction, so it's on to grass fed butter. Forgive me, I'm only human.

Today I'm having the worst breakfast I've had since I started the whole elimination diet back in May. I had some leftover acorn squash porridge and I was in such a rush this morning that I didn't feel like cooking bacon so I put some cooked and crumbled plain ground pork in a small container to have as my protein.

The pork was cooked for my dogs, as I ran out of canned dog food and didn't have time to swing by the Big R on my way home last night as hubby was out of town and I needed to get home to my babies. Therefore the pork is not seasoned. Also the porridge is from the bottom of the container; the dregs, if you will, and it is stringy and awful! So I'm not digging on any of it, and I'm not motivated to eat. I'm shoveling a little bit of it in just to have fuel but EW! Not good.

I have another confession to make: I have a body image problem. I have suspected this for many years, but got my proof last night and again this morning. I have lost 22.7 pounds, right? And two sizes to boot. The problem is, when I see myself without clothing, I don't see any difference. I caught my reflection as I was getting ready for bed last night and again this morning as I got out of the shower, and both times I quietly called myself a fat ass. I see no change whatsoever until I put my clothes on, and that's not good. 

My backstory: all of my life I was called fat by my family - I know, boo-hoo, poor me, etc. I never consciously dwell on that but let me tell you, it has an impact whether I like it or not. My nickname from birth was Minnesota Fats (thanks Dad), my sister and grandmother were always telling me I could afford to miss a few meals, one of my skinny friends called me "fat boy" (even though I'm a girl, hello) - it piles on. The sad fact is that I was chubby, but never FAT until Hashimoto's started taking a toll on my in my late 20's. I didn't know it, of course, until many years later, but I have literally battled with my weight for my entire life. 

This being the case, no amount of weight loss is ever good enough for me. Just like no amount of weight loss or success was ever enough for my grandmother, God rest her soul. She had a huge influence on me until she died at the age of 94. When I drove through blizzard conditions on Thanksgiving to see her in the nursing home just days before she died, she yanked my bangs over to one side and said "get a haircut, you look like a Mexican with all that hair in your face." Ouch. At that time I was very thin so she had nothing to say about my weight. 

Anyway, this is getting deep, but I realize that the first step to fixing a problem like this is realizing and owning up to it. Here and now, I am openly owning my body image problem!

On to the rest...

Vitals:

Weight: 145.6 (ERMAHGERD, SRSLY?)
Energy level: Pretty good
BM: Just a beginner so far
Other Gastro: Lower GI gas today, not sure why. Might have been that damn pork.
Mental clarity: Good
Mood: Good
Exercise: Nearly no walk today, I'm planning to head out around the block momentarily. Also feel a poop coming on. Today is strength training so there will be no steps!
Other: I'm going to try the grass fed butter at dinner tonight, and see what happens. My reactions have generally been swift and clear, but one never knows.

Total sidebar: I'm not so sure that I even want butter back in my life. I'm really enjoying cooking with healthier fats so just because I can doesn't mean that I will. Getting past butter means being able to try grass fed milk, and that's where my heart is. I have a funny feeling that I won't be able to pass the butter test. I fear that dairy has long been a problem for me but I've never eliminated it long enough let alone reintroduced it correctly, so I just don't know. We shall see!

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