Thursday, August 11, 2016

Deep Thoughts, by Me

August 11, 2016

I guess it's time for my daily spewing!

Today I bring you my head. I'll open it up for all to see, put my thoughts on display for you. Ready? It won't take long.

This little gem came spilling out of my cranium yesterday:

"People who say they need to find themselves are full of it. If you sit still long enough, yourself will come to you, and it's gonna want answers!"

Now where on earth did that come from? Deep I tell you, deeeeeeep inside. It is definitely a statement on how all of my dreams and my daydreams have been reminding me of the person I wanted to be, the person I could have been, the person maybe I should have been, the person I am now, and the person I will become. 

The way I see it, many of us are physiologically flawed. Some of us are born that way, others acquire their flaws throughout our lives. I don't know which category I'm in (I can guess but I have no proof) but I can see now that all of the decades of my innards being screwed up had an impact on me in numerous ways that are just being revealed to me. This sounds like some serious hippie talk - to me too! - but I'm starting to internalize it.

Today's pearl is probably not original but..

"Be the light that you seek." 

Boy if that doesn't sound like a bumper sticker from a yoga studio or an ashram in Oregon, I don't know what does. I meant it in the best possible way - don't look to others to make you happy or enlightened, look within. 

Is all of this healing really revealing the person that I once was that has been silenced by the mess my guts made of my brain? Is that so hard to believe? Yes it is, I'm a skeptic, but I'll be damned if all evidence isn't to the contrary lately. I mean - WOW. I'm waking from a 30-year long nap, I'm a little disoriented and don't recognize my face but my heart is slowly revealing itself to me, and I remember a lot of things about it. 

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not high. I swear! Or maybe I'm just high on life, and how incredible it feels to be getting well and emerging from my slumber.


Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Welp. Today. N Stuff.

August 10, 2016

I was late today due to an adjustment; they happen twice weekly at 8:00 AM, so I am perpetually late, it seems. But today offers new revelations and new insights, and I feel that it would be a mistake to overlook them by not recording them. Things are definitely shifting. Is it the NUCCA? Is it the result of having changed my life completely over a year ago, and the benefits are just starting to show? Is it both? Is it neither? Is it my age?

Bottom line: I honestly don't know. But reap the benefits I shall! In the end does it matter from whence the change comes? Imho that part doesn't matter as much as the transformation itself. 

Today: slept really well last night, even ignoring my bladder until 4:30 AM, which is unheard of. Oddly though, I'm not as thirsty at night and have probably cut my water consumption by 50%. Hooray, I still get enough but I'm not constantly running to the bathroom!

Back to today... I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I looked lighter somehow. Not weight-wise, but in general. My color appeared to be lighter, brighter. Even my hair! This is so strange to experience but I'm starting to think that it's because some filter has been lifted from my brain. I no longer see care, worry, concern, anger, fear - but I just see me. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me? I hope I'm not going off the deep end here but - I am in earnest. I'm noticing things daily, and processing crap right outta my system. 

Two days ago, running, I came face to face with a bunch of garbage that has been holding me under its spell, some childhood guilt nonsense that wasn't my fault, and some other stuff in the present that I wasn't letting go. I tramped down the sidewalk on Cascade Avenue repeating "I forgive, I forgive, I forgive!" until it was gone. Here's what surprised me about this overly simplistic approach: it worked! This is now a ritual I practice when I'm running; face down a demon or two, process the guilt or anger or whatever, and basically exorcise it from my psyche. I'll be dipped in doodoo if it doesn't work.

Now a hard reality: meditation doesn't work for me, not really. I enjoy it while I'm doing it but even after almost 30 sessions I don't remember to be mindful at various times during my day, and I never take a moment to bring the attention back to the present. I don't have terrible monkey mind either, so I'm okay with this revelation. I did just pay for a year of Headspace and I will use it here and there for relaxation or specific tracks of mediation, but it's not going to be part of my every day. I have zen enough to go around thanks to clean eating and the toxin expelling exercise I partake in.

Finally, for today; I sat down at my desk and plugged into Radio Paradise. The first song to play, from the very beginning? Disappear. My second favorite Porcupine Tree song (it's close, but it's second to The Rest Will Flow). I was delighted! For the first time in the history of my knowing this song, I sang along with it and didn't get choked up. It's a sad song that I once related very closely with (witnessed in an entry in my other blog) and it always choked me up. NO MORE! That's a small but mighty victory.

For the next few days: Dr. NUCCA-man and I talked briefly about hiding behind things, because I left my glasses on and he removed them so as not to smash. He told me he had lasik and had never been so grateful as that first day he could see without glasses on. I scoffed, said I have an astigmatism (so does he) and quietly admitted that I don't know what I'd do without glasses. I kind of hide behind them, use them as a shield. I have known it for years and may have said it a few times, but it never became so damn clear. He challenged me, asked me what would I do if I didn't need to hide any longer? ARGH! Contemplating that one hard for a day or more... I'd love to know the answer.


Monday, August 8, 2016

Transformation, Period

August 8, 2016

Hello all, and if I may - sorry it has been so long! I think about posting all the time but my life and my body are in flux right now so that makes it hard. That's not a good reason for a lack of posting, it's just my reason.

Today I came to a startling realization: I am transforming. There are several reasons for this that I promise to at least touch on, but the reason this is important is because it has a major impact on everything that is me. Everything I think, say, do, dream, eat, drink - it's all being impacted by this tidal wave of change washing through my body and mind. 

Well over a year ago now I undertook the life changing step of starting on a strict Paleo AIP lifestyle. This step alone was transformative as it led me to lose weight and start healing. Part of that was emotional too; I was able to let go of lots of negative "things" that were hiding, crouched in the dark corners of my brain. Some of those were guilt, some were just terrible memories, others were regrets.

Ah, regret. 

A regret isn't always something that you're directly responsible for you, y'know? Sometimes it's a thought that you wish you hadn't thunk, or an action that you wish you'd taken, a word you wish you'd used... this list can go on. I lived my life sitting on a trunk full of regrets, bursting at the seams. Had I not sat on it they would have come crashing out, overwhelming me. 

I like to say that I don't have regrets, not the real "Oh I really screwed that pooch!" kind at least. There are so many things in life that are out of our control for which we end up carrying a burden; so many. I would love to live without guilt and regret because those two things hold me back. They hold all of us back from achieving our highest level of being ourselves. Yes, I truly believe that.

Anyway, I dealt with all of that and thought I had a pretty clean slate. Last summer and fall left me feeling good about myself. I was able to let go of some very old demons, forgive myself for some old stuff, and I thought, move on. 

Fast forward a year and a month, to June of this year. I'd been doing a good job of washing my conscience clean of guilt and processing regrets as they surfaced. I'd been faithful to my diet for a year and was feeling good. But physically I was in pain and I do mean that literally. I was hurting all the time. I kept on running and eating healing foods but my neck was hurting so badly that I feared something was really-really wrong. I was losing sleep, having a tough time running, even holding my head up felt like a burden. The base of my skull burned with pain and turning my head caused a hot jolt of pain to travel right up the back of my noggin to the top. It felt like it was shooting out of my eyes for God's sake. I had debilitating headaches every afternoon that lasted well into the evening. It was scaring the crap out of me. 

Years ago, make that about 7 of them, I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and given a nerve root block of C-4/5 because I was in a tremendous amount of pain and nothing helped. Nerve tests showed a disconnect, so the block was applied and voila! I was better for several years. Naturally the recurrence of that kind of pain scared the bojangles out of me. Not being a huge fan of conventional medicine I thought it might be time to consult a chiropractor because something had to give. Also being a bit skeptical of chiros, having seen a few in my past and then having seen them do me no good whatsoever, I started listening to people. Some of my friends had been seeing this NUCCA chiro for a while and were reporting miraculous results. 

Here's a lil bit of info on that for you, should you care to check it out

Being doubly skeptical of some voodoo sounding nonsense, I went in for a consultation and x-rays. I didn't want to believe it because, well, I just didn't want to. I'm stubborn. But after he took x-rays and did a scan of my spine, he was able to tell me what was going on with me physically and mentally. Ever the yes-I'm-still-a-skeptic type, I allowed him to adjust me. It bears explaining that given the extent of the neck problems I've had in the past, I was quite hesitant to let anyone touch it, let alone a cracker who would warm me up and then crank my head at terminal velocity to allow the neck bones to crack (horrible memories of this!). Well these NUCCA guys don't do that, they do only soft tissue manipulation of the cervical spine. So sure, do that thing you do.

Welp - the first adjustment was nothing short of what everyone told me; it was miraculous. I felt nothing during the adjustment but as soon as it was done I burst into tears. There was a very warm sensation at C1, where all my pain lived, and after a few minutes it got downright hot, then POOF - the heat and the neck pain were - ready? - gone. Even I can't believe it, but it's true. And that day, no headache. I mean seriously, I thought this was insane!

So now I go twice a week and for the most part the adjustments leave me feeling physically better and better.  But when your spine has been holding your body and your mind hostage for decades, shit starts to get real when the spine shifts. I have been undergoing some major changes. Major. Physical, yes. Emotional, yes. Mental, yes. Big time.

Several weeks and 12 or so adjustments into this journey that may last a couple of years, I've started having the most vivid dreams. There are lots of snakes (representing transformation, probably) and reliving shit from my childhood. But what I've come to notice over the past couple of days is that it's much, much bigger than that. Everything inside of me is shifting. Some of it very uncomfortably.

High level: I feel like I don't really know myself. I'm trying to explain to me who I am, and that's not been easy. I feel lost. My confidence is in the crapper. I'm worried and ruminating and Jesus good Lord, I don't like it. I worry worry worry worry worry worry worry. I'm afraid that people don't like me (which is NOT LIKE ME at all, I don't care, I'm a take it or leave it kind of gal), I'm forgetting things and I pour my guts into running because right now it's the only thing making me feel better. 

So I run every day. Yes, every day. With very few exceptions, and I feel fantastic! In the running at least. The rest of me is like a quivering mess of self doubt, bad memories, fretting over stupid crap, etc. 

I know that this is part of the bigger picture and that all the shifting happening in my spinal cord is making waves of OHMYGOD happen to my body and my brain. I know this intellectually, but I still have to process all of it. And when I say all, I mean ALL. I'm questioning what I do for a living (do I really want to do this until I retire? what is it anyway? remember when you wanted to make a difference? well are you? are you following your dreams? remember when you wanted to be a writer/anthropologist/radio DJ/ventriloquist/go-go dancer? what happened to those dreams? huh? what?!), how many hours a day I sleep, my interactions with oh, everyone on the planet -- are you getting the picture? It's like a big nerve between my spine and my brain was pinched for decades and now that the pinch has been relieved the floodgates are OPEN. 

All I can say is yikes. Its scary! I'm 53 years old and to have all this stuff surface on me now is a nightmare. I'm questioning everything there is to question, and stuff that doesn't need to be questioned too. The huge, looming, $64,000 question is: do I just process this stuff out, or do I act on some of it? Or none of it?