Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Welp. Today. N Stuff.

August 10, 2016

I was late today due to an adjustment; they happen twice weekly at 8:00 AM, so I am perpetually late, it seems. But today offers new revelations and new insights, and I feel that it would be a mistake to overlook them by not recording them. Things are definitely shifting. Is it the NUCCA? Is it the result of having changed my life completely over a year ago, and the benefits are just starting to show? Is it both? Is it neither? Is it my age?

Bottom line: I honestly don't know. But reap the benefits I shall! In the end does it matter from whence the change comes? Imho that part doesn't matter as much as the transformation itself. 

Today: slept really well last night, even ignoring my bladder until 4:30 AM, which is unheard of. Oddly though, I'm not as thirsty at night and have probably cut my water consumption by 50%. Hooray, I still get enough but I'm not constantly running to the bathroom!

Back to today... I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I looked lighter somehow. Not weight-wise, but in general. My color appeared to be lighter, brighter. Even my hair! This is so strange to experience but I'm starting to think that it's because some filter has been lifted from my brain. I no longer see care, worry, concern, anger, fear - but I just see me. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me? I hope I'm not going off the deep end here but - I am in earnest. I'm noticing things daily, and processing crap right outta my system. 

Two days ago, running, I came face to face with a bunch of garbage that has been holding me under its spell, some childhood guilt nonsense that wasn't my fault, and some other stuff in the present that I wasn't letting go. I tramped down the sidewalk on Cascade Avenue repeating "I forgive, I forgive, I forgive!" until it was gone. Here's what surprised me about this overly simplistic approach: it worked! This is now a ritual I practice when I'm running; face down a demon or two, process the guilt or anger or whatever, and basically exorcise it from my psyche. I'll be dipped in doodoo if it doesn't work.

Now a hard reality: meditation doesn't work for me, not really. I enjoy it while I'm doing it but even after almost 30 sessions I don't remember to be mindful at various times during my day, and I never take a moment to bring the attention back to the present. I don't have terrible monkey mind either, so I'm okay with this revelation. I did just pay for a year of Headspace and I will use it here and there for relaxation or specific tracks of mediation, but it's not going to be part of my every day. I have zen enough to go around thanks to clean eating and the toxin expelling exercise I partake in.

Finally, for today; I sat down at my desk and plugged into Radio Paradise. The first song to play, from the very beginning? Disappear. My second favorite Porcupine Tree song (it's close, but it's second to The Rest Will Flow). I was delighted! For the first time in the history of my knowing this song, I sang along with it and didn't get choked up. It's a sad song that I once related very closely with (witnessed in an entry in my other blog) and it always choked me up. NO MORE! That's a small but mighty victory.

For the next few days: Dr. NUCCA-man and I talked briefly about hiding behind things, because I left my glasses on and he removed them so as not to smash. He told me he had lasik and had never been so grateful as that first day he could see without glasses on. I scoffed, said I have an astigmatism (so does he) and quietly admitted that I don't know what I'd do without glasses. I kind of hide behind them, use them as a shield. I have known it for years and may have said it a few times, but it never became so damn clear. He challenged me, asked me what would I do if I didn't need to hide any longer? ARGH! Contemplating that one hard for a day or more... I'd love to know the answer.


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